Mental Health and Careers

Have you ever been told that your job role is not important? Have you ever been told that someone else’s job is more important than yours? Let me tell you something now, yes, there are job roles that do a lot more than others, so for example, a nurse at a hospital does do a lot more than someone sitting at a desk. But that does not mean that the desk job is any less important. For example, I know someone who does have a desk job, but what she does is research for illnesses to help find cures and travels the world. Now I would say that’s important, wouldn’t you?

 

I absolutely hate people who think they are superior to another person because of their job role. Yes, police officers and people who work in the government sector have certain authorities that a person working in a supermarket doesn’t have. But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, all job roles have one thing in common, and that is to help people, whether that be others or themselves. Name me one job role that’s main goal isn’t to help people and I will hold my hands up and say I am wrong.

 

Just because your job may not be physical, it does not mean that you don’t have an impact on peoples lives. For example, I used to work at a housing association where our main goal was to help people with their housing situations and enquiries. We were officially a call centre, but a lot of people thought that all I did was sit at a desk and answer calls and that it was easy. It was not, it was probably the hardest job I have ever done, and I have worked as a care/support worker, an office Administrator and a customer service assistant in a retail store. I didn’t find the carer job difficult at all, I didn’t work in a care home but I was a door to door carer, so I went to multiple houses to see to vulnerable adults who were either older or couldn’t do things on their own.

 

I absolutely loved it, interacting with new clients every day and just meeting amazing men and women. It was very tiring and sad at times, I looked after this lady and let me tell you, having to watch someone recede to bones and die over time is something you never really forget. I had only been in the job for a month or so before my favourite client died, I was in tears when I found out. She was the kindest woman I had ever met. I worked 12+ hours for 12 days in a row with 2 days off, back then, I was only 18 and the pay really wasn’t that good enough for the shit I did but I didn’t care because just to know I was helping people felt rewarding.

 

In the end, I left, because the company I worked for, the managers and coordinators were hiring people who were abusing the clients, not as in physically hitting them, but we had procedures in place for a reason. And a few people I had worked with on nights where there had to be 2 of us, the other carers were not using the correct procedures and I had argued with them because of this. I reported this but nothing got done so I left. They went bust not long after, so what does that tell you!

 

After this I worked in a big store, at first it was just an apprenticeship for about 9 months and I worked in the lingerie department, it was quite boring, having to stand at a desk and give customers a number for the dressing rooms and tidying up the shop floor. So, I was happy when I got transferred to the food hall, it was a lot busier and I could interact with customers and do more than just one thing. I had to stock the shelves, sort stock out, cashier, car service (where we had to store food in the cold room and then take the food out to customers who had bought their food and wanted to collect it instead). We also had bonuses and goals to reach, every night I would stay until 9/10pm to make sure the shelves, aisles and floor were all restocked and tidy. We had to have all of this done by a certain time, and when on the tills, we had to promote new products and persuade customers to buy them.

 

As I have mentioned, I worked as an office administrator, but I am not even going to go into detail with that, it was the worst job I have ever had, got trained for one day and then was expected to know everything immediately, because of this, I struggled, I asked questions and I was shrugged off because people were tired of me asking questions, because of this, I got really depressed feeling like I couldn’t do the best I could, my boss called me into the office and said my work load was decreasing and was bad, I had tried to tell him why but he didn’t want to hear it, he thought I was making excuses. He was nothing but a sexist pig who had no idea how to talk to or even respect women. So, let’s leave that one there, I really do hope that one day, his company goes bust, he is the most disgusting human being I have ever met. This was a few years ago now, but it was his fault why my mental health got so bad and I will never forget nor forgive him.

 

The job I mentioned before, the call centre, yes, my job was to take calls and help people, but it was much more than that, we took hate crime calls, we took calls from people reporting child abuse, we took calls from the police and the ambulance, I once even dealt with a terrorist over the phone, it was the scariest thing I ever dealt with I was in tears after the call, I had to step away and my manager took over the phone call. We worked closely with the police as well as we also monitored CCTV footage, we dealt with tax and repairs to properties, the list is endless. So, when I was told that what I did was not important, of course I took offense, because they had no fucking idea what I dealt with daily. I left for personal reasons, it was detrimental to my mental health but I still stand by that it was the best job I had, but the hardest also, you really had to have empathy to work there, as well as be firm and tell customers when they were in the wrong, (no, the customer isn’t always right). We received abuse daily, and we had people threatening us, it was not a straightforward job. It made me sad that I left, but I do not miss the people that worked there…an office which was 80% girls who hadn’t grown up yet…a recipe for disaster.

 

I would also like to discuss something that I haven’t really spoken about with anyone because it was very serious and traumatising for me. Just to prove that my desk job was not easy, I mentioned in the above paragraph about a terrorist call. I have not talked about it since it happened, but basically, I got this call from a man, had a British accent but had a twang of a foreign accent. I introduced myself on the call and asked how I could help him today, as soon as he started talking, I knew something wasn’t right, he asked to speak to the CEO of Operation Sanctuary. Now for those that don’t know what that is, it was a police operation that occurred in 2014, I will post a link so you can read it, it is shocking. Anyway, this man introduced himself as a letter and not a name, he claimed that he was involved with this and said he was told that if he cooperated, he would be given a cash reward and then he claimed he did not receive his money and that is why he was angry. I was completely speechless, as we wouldn’t usually get calls like this, people seemed to think that we dealt with everything which wasn’t true, so he either called the wrong number or was forwarded to our department by mistake. I tried to calm him down and sympathise with him, but then he said “What is stopping me from running down women and children on the pavements? What are you going to do about it?” At this point, I tried to negotiate with him and told him that he didn’t have to do that and that it was wrong, I asked him for more information so I could find the right person for him to talk to. After that, it was clear to me that he was not listening and then he told me that he was waiting outside of a school and was ready to do anything. At this point, I took my headset off and just broke down, luckily my friend at the time was listening in on the call because during the first few minutes of the call, I told her “I think I’ve got a prank call, this doesn’t feel right to me”. So she took over at that point and she went in on him like a brick, after that, our manager realised something was happening so came over and thank god, we had a police officer in our office at the time looking through CCTV footage for something unrelated, he heard me say Operation Sanctuary so came over to my desk immediately and listened in. After my manager took over, me and my friend were told to go out and get some air to calm down, she seemed a lot calmer than me, I was shaking for a long time. When we went back to the office, the police officer told us that this particular man was known for making such calls and had done this before and that they were watching him, so we needn’t worry. That didn’t help me at all, all I could keep picturing was him knocking down innocent people, it was a lot to take in, me and my friend handled it better than most people would and were praised for it. Unfortunately, when I left work that day and got on the bus, I was terrified that something was going to happen but did not make it shown as I didn’t want to panic people. Nothing happened though, thank the lord. I told my boyfriend at the time and close family, but I never let on how bad it really was and how bad it affected me. The next day, the police came to the office to take our statement, at the end, they asked me if I would be happy to stand up in court and be a witness, I agreed obviously. For weeks I was anxious and on edge as I had never taken the stand before. But a few months later, I got a call from a police officer telling me that I did not have to go to court as he was found guilty. He was sentenced to 14 months in jail. So, I’m sure he will be out now which I find very, very fucking wrong.

 

So, I guess the main reason for this, is that, no matter what your fucking job role is, you are helping people and you are trying your hardest, don’t ever let anyone tell you different.

Here is the link to Operation Sanctuary: https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/operation-sanctuary-newcastle-operation-shelter-13447961

 

 

New post from my house, I am doing great!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII HELOOOOO, I have missed posting for such a long time! But as I said in my last post, the next one would be when I was in my new house. So I am in my new house now, have been for a couple of weeks and I have never been happier. I know doctors always tell you to never just STOP taking your medication, but I have and I have not had one episode of depression since living here, which just goes to show how environmental factors can have such a massive impact on your mental health. Even though I don’t feel like I am suffering anymore, I will still post because whether you have issues or not, days can be a struggle. And I still want to be here for anyone who wants to reach out for support. Anyway, my post this week is pretty much just going to be about me moving house again and how its made me a lot happier. Enjoy.

After the break up with Liam, I struggled for a while, it would be a lie for me to say that I am completely over him because I am not. However, as people who read my blog know that I used to live in a little flat (apartment). I did actually like the flat itself but the area that it was in and the neighbours were definitely not good for me. I was always drinking and smoking weed and I would always get bugs and creepy crawlies in my cupboards, kitchen, bathroom, just everywhere. I just felt the whole place was infested with them, I was never truly happy, while I got used to living alone, I just never felt like I was home. I could deal with it just enough while I was with Liam as he always calmed me down but once he left my life, I just could not stand to be there anymore. So luckily, my mum offered for me to move back into our house and rent it off her, so that is what I have done. It literally took 2/3 days for me to move all my stuff out of the flat and into the house. I feel so at home here, I stopped taking medication and while I still have my down days, they are no where near as bad as they were, here, I have stability, privacy and peace. I have also lost some weight which wasn’t intentional so I am happy about that.

I have found that I am more confident in myself and I feel more happy now than I have in 6 years, In my previous post, I mentioned that I would buy a hot tub and a dog. Well, I can happily say that one of those goals have been reached, when I moved in, I bought a hot tub, took me a few weeks to learn how to maintain it but its all good now. I moved in a few weeks ago and I am having my official house warming party tomorrow. I have all the snacks, food and alcohol stocked up, I have a really good gazebo up with curtains over the hot tub so it doesn’t get wet or things blow into it (it’s Britain, even in summer, the weather is shit), I have the fire pit all ready and multiple chairs for everyone to sit on in the garden. I am so excited.

But what I am trying to say is that I don’t really care if people aren’t interested but this just shows how environmental factors can be detrimental to your mental health as I’ve said before. When I moved out of my parents and into that flat, it was the worst decision I ever made, but then again, I feel like if that didn’t happen, then maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now. But when I moved out, I thought, I felt so good that I could finally be independent and I had good people in my life and a fantastic job that I was finally happy in. Unfortunately, it’s sad to say, but I lost that job as people who read my blog know and I also lost someone I loved very very much. In this flat, I had to deal with shouting, profanity, abuse, noisy neighbours and random people knocking at my door late at night for 5 months. It was so bad for my mental health, living there really fucked me up, because I spiralled so low and out of control, I experienced the WORST depression I had ever felt in my entire life. I had to set alarms and write on boards to remind me to brush my teeth, bathe, eat and take my medication, obviously being severely depressed I ignored them. I know it is upsetting to read but I will not lie, I did try to kill myself. Fortunately, my common sense kicked in and I got help but I now have a big, horrible, ugly, fat and pink scar from it, stitches could not even help. I thought “Why should I get out of bed? I have no one, everyone leaves me and there is no reason to be alive”. I am literally smiling while typing this because I know its bullshit. 

Anyway, things started to look up, I finally saw a way out of that horrible place and now, I live in my childhood home thanks to my amazing family and I don’t even need to take my medication anymore. Not once have I had an episode of my depression since leaving that place, I still have the medication just in case though, so I am prepared. But it just goes to show, where you are and who you surround yourself with can effect your mental health massively. Now, I have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, to come downstairs and open my curtains, to make a cup of tea and have breakfast, something I have never ever done before. There are so many tiny goals I have set myself since being in a bad place and I am so proud of myself for achieving even one of them. For example, buying the hot tub I said I was going to buy, (I don’t have the dog yet but I will), also waking up this morning and jet washing my driveway as it was very dirty, took a long time but it was something that I WANTED to do, to make my house look nice and presentable. My mum and my brother came over today to help me with the garden, so I jet washed the drive way, my brother trimmed the hedges and my mum put the leaves in some bags for my garden waste bin and we all worked together. We were supposed to cut the grass but again, its fucking Britain, it rains in summer so that plan was totalled. 

Even though it was tiring work today, not ONCE did I even think that I was too tired or down that I needed to lie down or go to sleep. I always used to just be so irritable with everybody and hated spending time with anyone never mind my own family but every time I see them now, I love it, I just love spending time with them no matter what we do, that is how I know that I am not depressed anymore. It is so soppy to say but I am really proud of myself, while I still do have problems just like every single person on this planet, nothing seems to get to me anymore like it used to.

I am finally glad to be the Sam that I used to be, when I was suffering from my depression, my only wish was to be happy, smile and be hyper like I always was and now, that is just how I am, some changes may come in your life that you don’t agree with or don’t want but maybe…they are for the better. The way I see it is, most problems can be resolved, so resolve it, if it cant, don’t fucking worry about it! What I have found is that, no matter what you go through, there is ALWAYS a way out and I feel so silly and stupid that I was suicidal a few months ago. 

People may laugh at you and talk about you but at the end of the day, you are your own person and only you know who you are. Who cares what people think? If you’re trying to be the best you can be and live your own life and that pisses people off, then think to yourself, who is it that really has the problem?…….It’s certainly not you, if you’re a good person and what you do affects people so much in a negative way, then you do NOT need that negativity in your life, it’s okay to leave a toxic relationship/friendship if it is making you unhappy, DO NOT feel guilty for that. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, surround yourself with people who you love and love you back and will support you no matter what and everything will be A-OK!

Thank you so much for reading guys! ❤ 

xx

I’m Feeling Good

For those who read my blog regularly, you will know I have recently went through a very difficult break up, I was with a guy for almost 6 years and he ended it out of the blue and I was left to clean up the mess. So we broke up on Thursday 2 weeks ago and I ended up just lying in bed on the Friday crying my eyes out, wondering what the hell the point is in my life because he had saved me from some really bad times and I thought ‘well I wont have that anymore’. I went out on the Saturday because I knew (dealing with a break up previously) that keeping yourself busy helps you a lot and makes you accept and get over it quicker. So I went to my friend Mels for some drinks and a BBQ, obviously, its Britain, so it rained so she cooked the food in the oven instead. It had only been 2 days since the break up so I still wasn’t eating much but I ate as much as I could. Mel, her boyfriend, his friend and her little girl were there and they cheered me up immensely, made me laugh so much and I really enjoyed the night. Mel, having a child, was really tired by 9:30pm so I left at about 10pm and went to one of my friends parties.

So this was a pirate party, everyone was dressed as pirates, and me being me I went dressed in a black top, blue jeans and converse, I didn’t give a fuck. I walked in the house and my friend Adam was on the floor already, really drunk so I was laughing as soon as I walked in the door. There were a lot of people at this party, especially men, me being a girl who has just come out of a long term relationship, I tried to flirt with a few guys but it got to the point where I just couldn’t be bothered anymore. Its a lot to do when you’ve just had your heart broken 2 days earlier. I had a good time at this party though, I had got there at about half 10 and left about 12:30am. After that I went back home, redid my make up and stuff then set off for my best friends house as she only lives 2 mins away from me. Got there and told her and another friend that was there about the break up and they couldn’t understand it either. But both had said they thought I was different already, like kind of care free, I didn’t see it myself I was still hurting. For some reason, we ended up walking back to my house, I was really drunk and wanted a sing and dance so yeah that happened, anyway had a good night, went to 3 peoples house that night, kept myself busy but had to go to bed after as I was too drunk.

Sunday, I was reaaaalllly hungover, but also really upset about Liam, I’ve always hated Sundays, I always get the Sunday blues, so without him it was 10x worse. I tried to distract myself by watching things on Netflix but nothing caught my interest so I just lay there for hours crying, not understanding why I wasn’t good enough, not knowing why someone who promised me he would love me forever….fell out of love with me and nothing made sense. Anyway, me being me, decided to go on a dating website again, I definitely shouldn’t of done that as I knew I wasn’t ready for it but I just wanted to feel like there would be other guys out there who would actually want me. Nothing made me feel better so I eventually hid my profile until I’m ready again. A week went by, I was feeling ok, getting used to not seeing him, it was hard not to talk to him though. By this time, I was due to go on holiday with my family.

So we went to Centre Parcs, which is a family holiday site with lodges and activities and things. I didn’t want to go at first but I actually had a really good time, I thought it would be great for me to get away and spend time with my family and keep busy and it genuinely did wonders for me. First day, we spent 2 hours travelling there, then we got to the lodge and it was beautiful, it was huge as well! Even had its own sauna, my mum and stepdad had a double room and so did my sister and her boyfriend, but when I went into my room there were 2 single beds, and all the rooms had their own en-suite. It got to me a little as my stepdad booked this holiday when I was still with Liam and he was supposed to come, when I seen the 2 single beds, it reminded me that, I didn’t have anyone to cuddle with at night so it made me a little sad. Seeing my en-suite got to me a lot as well because me and Liam loved getting intimate in the shower, but it was difficult for us because his shower at home wasn’t big enough and I don’t have one at my house. The shower in my bathroom was really big so I sent him a snapchat of it, and he agreed that it would have been fun, but that was it, there was no sign of us getting back together, by this time he had told me previously that he may realise in a few weeks that he’s made a mistake and I was counting on this but I had even asked him as it had been 2 weeks by this point and he said he still felt the same which hurt a lot.

Anyway, second day on holiday, we had plenty activities planned, me, mum, stepdad and my niece went to Laser Combat, I was feeling crap because of the break up and we also had to walk miles to get there and I just couldn’t be bothered, but I did it. Anyway, we were given laser guns, and we were the red team and other holiday goers joined as well so we were playing with random people who were also at the site, other team was blue. So first round was we had to eliminate each other, we were in the woods and we had barricades to hide behind it was really cool. Red team (us) did really good on the first round but the 2nd round, the blue team hammered us. It was crazy, I am not usually active but running to take cover and constantly be kneeling for over an hour took a toll on me but because I was having fun and I had so much adrenaline I didn’t realise the pain that I was feeling. Blue team won the second round. Third round, we were told (red team) were told to go and pick a hiding place in the woods and if we were found by the blue team, we were not allowed to move, but we could still shoot back. This round was for 2 points, so the blue teams goal was to find all members of our red team and eliminate them. I ran to the back of the woods and lay down behind a thick tree, I was found within 5 minutes because of a bloody crying child next to me!! (really?! another reason not to have kids lol).

Anyway, I was found not long after so I had to walk back to the hut, luckily, a few people on my team survived so we won!! And we got badges at the end of it, we were all out of breath, in pain and sweaty by the end of it but it was so worth it, I had so much fun! It really distracted me and I was so into it, I genuinely felt like I was in war and fighting for my life, for fun, not reality, but it was really fun and I wish I could do it again even though I struggled to walk for 2 days after! Then me, mum, stepdad and my niece went for some food as we had worked up an appetite. We ordered some food, but knowing my family, we couldn’t go anywhere without drama happening, so we are sitting there in a booth waiting for our food, and this couple with 3 kids sits next to us, a little girl sat next to me in the booth then decided to lie down and kick me in the thigh repeatedly, it didn’t hurt or anything but she knew she was misbehaving as she was laughing and smirking. The mother seen this and told her to stop, then she kept doing it then the mother didn’t say anything and continued to let her do it. My mum then said to the mother “excuse me, can you tell you little girl off please, she keeps kicking my daughter”. My mum was polite and calm but the mother of the little girl kicked off big style then the family left in a huff, it was quite funny. Also another reason not to have kids lol.

I was so tired after laser combat I just wanted to go back to the lodge and lie down, but we had to go play adventure golf after lunch, so we went there. I was a bit miserable at first but then when I realise how bad my mum was at golf, it made me laugh and then I really got into it. By the end, my niece was frustrated as the last hole had a hill and she couldn’t hit the ball hard enough to roll up the hill so it kept rolling back down, she must have had 8 re-tries. She got so frustrated that she picked up the golf ball and threw it and it hit off the tree in front of her and bounced back, almost hit her in the face, by this time, my mum had got a hole in one, on the hardest course! I had 6 goes and we were just pissing ourselves laughing at my niece having a hissy fit! So we finished the golf and then went back to the lodge for a rest and shower. We showered then had a nap as we were really tired off the laser combat, then we had to get up and get ready again for bowling, stepdad went first, he didn’t get any pins, mum went after and she was the same then it was my turn and I bowled a strike on my first turn so I thought (all this time on the wii sports bowling has paid off). I think I bowled another 2 strikes but all the other times I missed so maybe I need more practice than I thought lol. We also spent time in the arcade as well, me and my niece played air hockey and she was winning and then I caught up but then she bloody won didn’t she?! Typical.

Next day, my thighs felt like they were bruised, I could tell I was not used to cardio but I was definitely impressed with all the exercise I had done, this was only Tuesday night and I had already done 22,517 steps within 2 days and had walked 7.6 miles, that’s pretty impressive to go from being so inactive to that. Anyway, we chilled on the Wednesday morning and then went swimming in the evening, I hadn’t brought a bikini or anything as I am a little over weight and felt insecure about my body, also had scars from self harming that my parents hadn’t seen, but mum bought me a swimming costume so I could go swimming, we went to the pool and I thought “fuck it, I’m on holiday” so I went out in my costume in full confidence and I had a really fun time. Went down a few slides with my niece, I also felt like a rebel on one of the slides as I went on a super slide which was the big water slide that took you outside of the building and you were not supposed to wear jewellery but I had still had my nose ring in lol. Anyway, the super slide had water coming out of the sides all the way down so they’d make you move from side to side but then I got turned around half way down so I was now going down the slide backwards, it was great, I had an adrenaline rush but was also worried as I didn’t want to drown, I can swim no problem but I have a thing with getting water in my eyes and nose, especially chlorine, anyway I managed to turn myself around again the right way and I went under water off the slide like anyone would, and then was coughing, rubbing my eyes, blowing chlorine out of my nose, felt like I was choking, had a little panic attack but knew it was normal so didn’t make a big deal. DID NOT go back on the super slide though haha, as good as it was, I hate water in my eyes and nose so I didn’t wanna do it again so we watched my sister and niece slide down for a while and it was really funny.

Anyway, we just sort of swam around the pool for a while and by this time it was about 7pm and the pool closed at 8 so we decided to get out, I realised I had this awful pain in my rib on the right hand side, felt like it was under my right boob. Thought maybe someone had kicked me in the pool and I hadn’t realised, but it hurt a lot after 2 days when I breathed, laughed, sneezed, urinated or moved in a certain way so then I thought I may have cracked a rib maybe going down the slide, I’m not sure, this was last Wednesday and its almost been a week and it still hurts a little, not as much anymore, there isn’t any more discomfort now so I’m assuming I pulled something but the pain was quite bad that it even hurt to eat, so after that I didn’t eat much either. Anyway, the same night, despite being in pain, we all got pizza delivered to our lodge and oh my god it was amazing! We played word association around the table and it was quite funny, me and my stepdad decided we would crack open the alcohol and have some drinks. Everyone else went to bed not long after dinner so it was just me him and my niece up late, we played a few games, my niece is only 15 so she was just drinking pop, but me and my stepdad were quite drunk so that was fun. Although I was soooo hungover on the Thursday. We went for an Italian meal on the Thursday evening and all went to bed early as we were leaving on Friday. 

How embarrassing was the drive home, my stepdad got lost twice on the way home and almost drove through a red light, honestly, he is a liability he shouldn’t drive lol. Anyway got home about 12:30pm, had a drink with my friend Laura that night and had a good night, although I decided not to get too drunk and went to bed when she left. By this time I am feeling so confident about myself because I’ve noticeably lost weight, and for once I am looking in the mirror and thinking ” yeah I’d do me”. Saturday, I had a house party, my family and friends came around and we had an amazing night, everyone got drunk ordered pizza and we had a karaoke and my brother got so drunk he just started rapping to any song and he was actually really good how he could just spout words off the top of his head but had my mum in fits of laughter. But yeah, this has been me the past few weeks, and I am feeling soooo good right now, I have said in previous posts that I wanted to be who I was before the depression, when I was 16/17 and I feel since the break up with Liam, I have became myself again! Not that he’s the reason for my depression, he is definitely not, but its been years since I’ve been single and I’m finally learning to love myself again and I love it, I love the freedom. I am eating better, I am more active and I am more myself and I don’t think I could go back now. Never thought I’d ever say that to be honest.

I am moving out of my flat at the end of the month into my mums house as she is going to rent it to me and I’m going to buy a golden retriever puppy and a hot tub when I move into the house and I just cannot wait, I am so excited, so I will be preparing to move from this week so the next post I make will be from the house. I am so grateful to everyone who made the time to read my long post, I appreciate it so much. I am still on my medication for my depression and I have not had an episode since before me and Liam broke up, so I am feeling so positive right now. Thank you for reading! x

 

I’m ok but not really

Hello everyone, it’s been a long time since I last posted, this past year, I did so many things, I was doing really well in my career and I also moved into my own place so it has been a busy year. But unfortunately, my depression came back with a vengeance…yet again. I was off work for 8 weeks from work in August I think and didn’t go back until October. Everything was fine and I was welcomed back, I got better as I was on medication but stupid me, decided that when I was better that I didn’t need them anymore so I stopped taking them. I was back at work for 4 months and then I went back on the sick again in February for another 2 months. This time was really bad, with the stress of moving out and stress of worrying about bills and everything else in between, I hurt myself, real bad this time to the point I ended up in hospital. 

This particular wound was more deeper than I intended it to be, had to get stitches and now its this big lump pink scar, it ain’t pretty. It affected me so much that all I could do was lay in bed and not answer my phone or talk to anybody, I didn’t eat, I didn’t brush my teeth and I didn’t bathe. What didn’t help is my neighbours upstairs, a guy lives above me and has his kids over 3+ days per week and they are so noisy that it literally makes me scream and bang and punch and kick walls, it isn’t healthy. Despite how many times I have complained, nothing has yet been done. Anyway, eventually, I decided that I needed to inform work of what was going on and had a meeting in my house with my manager and she was really nice about the whole thing and put me at ease. However, I told her as much as I could, and I sent in sick notes for all the time that I was off so that I was covered. I went back to work recently and I felt really good as I had got medication and have been taking it for a month now, my mum convinced me that it is just as important to take as any other medication to control physical illnesses as well, she has been so supportive of me this time around and I am so grateful for it.

I was informed that I had a probation meeting on Thursday 2nd May, I told my friend at work my concerns as I was really worried about losing my job. She tried to calm me down and tell me everything will be fine so I was actually feeling quite positive, as well as really nervous, that day at work, I could not stop going to the toilet, my stomach was doing flips all day. I eventually went into the meeting…it was awful. All I tried to do was be honest about why I had been off and explain my actions. My manager was quite supportive of me also. Anyway, my contract was supposed to end anyway that day as it was only temporary, so I would of had the meeting whether or not I was off. But they decided to not extend it and give me a chance so now again, I am unemployed, which is fucking great…I have so much to pay for and how will I pay for it? Monopoly money???

I was really upset at losing my job obviously because I had just got back on my feet and I was really feeling positive and everyone at work were great at welcoming me back and I just felt so great! But then it all changed that day. I guess you could say that I kinda did have this gut feeling that it was going to happen because I knew myself I had taken too much time off, but mental health is not something that can be controlled, medication or not. Now, I am just really pissed off, because the way the HR manager spoke to me was disgusting and she was really unprofessional. Here are a list of reasons why:

1. Before this meeting, I had received a booklet in the post about my absences and how to prepare for this meeting etc. The HR manager asked me if I had, had a chance to read through this and asked if I was ok to go ahead and I said that I had read through it and I was happy to go ahead, but she kept asking again and I had to repeat myself and tell her that I was FINE TO GO AHEAD. I did not shout but I did have to raise my voice a little which was annoying. 
2. There were 4 of us in this room, me, my manager, some other guy and a woman from HR. My manager read from various statements about my absences as the other 2 took down some notes, when she finished, the HR woman asked if I had any questions for my manager, I said yes and then began to ask her something but as soon as I started to speak, 5 seconds in, HR says to me “Sam you will get your chance to present, just listen for now”. WHY ASK ME IF I HAVE QUESTIONS IF I AM NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK????
3. A lot of the information I read in the booklet, some of it was incorrect but of course when I wanted to bring this up, I wasn’t even allowed to speak, I felt like I was being interrogated like I was on trial, that isn’t a good thing to put someone through who is already struggling with mental health issues.
4. I presented my point and I told them the truth and told them I was not mentally well. At the end of this, HR asked “What can you do to convince us to give you another chance?” My response was “I am on medication now permanently and I don’t intend to stop taking them like I have previously, I am in a good head space and I do realise that my communication with yourselves has been sporadic. When you’re dealing with depression, you cannot talk to people because you feel ashamed, you don’t even know what is going on with yourself so how are you supposed to tell someone else? But I now have a lot of support, especially at work and I know a lot of people at work deal with similar things so to know I have this support at work will make me want to come in and get on with it and I know that if I’m feeling down I know I have friends and my managers to talk to, I also have goals that I want to reach within this job so I cannot reach them unless I have this job, I do regret taking as much time off as I did, I made myself worse with the anxiety thinking that everyone was gossiping about me it was really difficult”. HR responded by writing down these notes and then saying “Ok, I will ask you this question again, “How can you convince us to give you another chance?”. I just looked at her and thought ‘Are you kidding me? I have literally just answered your question and spent 10 minutes saying my bit and you’re asking me it again? What else can I say?’. I then responded by saying “I don’t have anything else to add apart from what I said before, other than, I will come to work and do my job, I want this more than anything”. She took the notes. At this time, my manager was now in turn to say positive things about me, she said I was basically one of the best Customer Service Advisors in the office (why am I only finding this out on the day I lost my job though? I should have been praised ages ago for the way I work). Anyway despite all this, I had to leave the room for 10 minutes, they called me back up and told me that they would not extend my contract because I had been off too much, ok. I told them I understood.
5. HR then said “We really are sympathetic toward your mental health we know you cannot control it, but we hope you can continue this positivity outside of work, maybe you can go to college or do volunteer work”. I’m a 23 year old woman who lives alone, I CANNOT pay my bills going to college or doing volunteer work. This woman SERIOUSLY needed fucking training again because she is absolutely clueless. The whole time while she was saying this to me, she had a smirk on her face, cannot say if it was on purpose or not but it was so fucking humiliating and patronizing. I thought it was disgusting the way she went about it, everyone else I told also thought the same. Unfortunately I have been told that it is too late to get a union rep involved as I have already lost the job but I can appeal against their decision and go to citizens advice which is what I am going to do because I feel completely discriminated against. 

This is always going to be something I will struggle with for the rest of my life so how am I supposed to be stable in a job and live my life when there is still STIGMA for mental health issues? I could easily just live off the government but do I want to do that? NO! I want to work and make a life for myself, I have so many goals I want to achieve but things always go downhill and I am feeling very unmotivated right now like what is the point? I am more angry than anything else, I am so sick of this happening to me, I wish things would change, I am doing the best I can right now with my mental health and to be honest, surprisingly, I’m so much better than I was 2 month ago, despite losing my job. So fucking pissed off. 

Thanks for reading my post guys it means a lot. 

The New Year

Hi all, I have not updated my blog in so long, I apologise, I’ve been so busy with work and life itself it just feels like I have no time. But I will always find time, even if it’s not as often as I’d like. 

So I just wanted to update to say happy new year guys! I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas, I had a pretty good one. I also got really spoilt with gifts this year! I’m always more excited in the run up to Christmas than on Christmas day. I love the festive season of Christmas songs, decorations, happy times etc. I normally have a few drinks at Christmas but I never usually get drunk or anything but this year I feel like I overdone it a bit, I’m pretty sure I drank every day (not getting drunk though) since Christmas eve eve, However, I did get a little drunk on Christmas night, I got the Sims 4 for my Xbox so I was playing that and drinking, it was pretty awesome. I had a great New Year! Me and my boyfriend did have a few things planned but they all fell through so we actually ended up going to a few bars with his sister and her boyfriend and it was a really good night to be honest! I really enjoyed it and it was the best new year I’ve had in a while! 

In regards to the depression and feeling low, there have been a few days when I didn’t feel like myself but they were no where near as bad as I felt in the past. I’m still doing good mentally, and I hope I continue to do so. My start to the new year wasn’t great, I was meant to go back to work on the 2nd Jan but I fell ill on the 1st, not sure what with although I am convinced its a bad case of the flu. So all week now I have been resting and lying in bed and drinking water and every day I have felt worse, I’ve had to take 4 days off because of how ill I have felt. I have slept a lot and there was no improvement until today. I felt like crap this morning but then felt worse this evening. I’ve been so exhausted from it that I took an hours nap and I awoken feeling absolutely fine apart from having a bad cough and chest. I haven’t been able to keep any food down all week, eating the bare minimum, and guess what? I haven’t lost a pound, so pretty miffed about that haha. 

But in all seriousness, I am feeling a lot better now, I hope when I wake up tomorrow that it will be the same and I am not worse as that has happened a lot this week. I just wanted to fill you in on what’s happened over the Christmas. Not much really but also wanted to wish everyone a happy new year and may this year bring luck and happiness to each and every one of you! No matter how much you struggle, there will always be an option to talk to someone, even me, it is what I am here for! I hope you all had a great Christmas, and appreciated the time with your loved ones. 

Again, as always, thanks for reading! Best wishes to everyone. x

 

Update On The Job

So I started my new job on Monday just gone. I had 2 induction days where we were doing activities and getting to know one another as there was about 8 of us starting. I actually started properly on Wednesday at the enquiry centre which is basically a contact help centre for people with enquiries. At the minute, me and another person who has started who I have made friends with, we are training right now and listening to calls and will be doing for the next 4 month or so just so we know how to handle calls and customers, etc. We also get to dabble in the Admin side also which is good I guess as it’s a bit of a change up from the norm. I’ve only been here a week and I’ve learnt a lot already. 

I travel 1-2 hours to and from work everyday so I do have to get up early so I managed to get my sleeping pattern back in order. I wake up at 5:45 every day to get to work for 8am then finish at 4 and it takes 2 hours to get home as traffic is basically rush hour then. I start feeling tired at about 7/8pm but I will generally fall asleep between 9/10pm and when I wake up, I feel great, I’m not tired as I have had plenty of hours and I am fully awake. I will feel like that for the rest of the day and I won’t crash in the middle. I am not waking up in the middle of the night anymore and the bad dreams I was having frequently have stopped and I’ve just genuinely been feeling really good. I really do feel like this job is a great place for me to be. They are a large company based through out the city I live in and they really look after their staff unlike all of the other jobs I have had. I feel really comfortable there and everyone is really welcoming. 

Overall I’m feeling really great right now and it’s been a really long time since I have felt really down. At first, I was really worried about starting…as you do. But everyone kept telling me that they had a good feeling about it and that it would be good for me. I feel like I am really adjusting to working life properly now. As it is only an Apprenticeship and not a proper job, I am not getting paid as much as I would if I was a permanent employee but the pay is good enough for now to get me through tough times. I also find that I am active a lot, my job I practically a desk job but because I am alternating between customer service and admin, I am up and down a lot, the building is like maze, really big so it is quite a walk just to get to the kitchen, canteen or toilet. If I don’t fancy having lunch inside, there is a supermarket 10 minutes from the building so occasionally I will walk there if there isn’t anything I fancy for lunch in the canteen. So I am walking around a lot and just after 1 week, I can feel that I’m not getting tired out as much by walking up some stairs or walking fast so I really think that his job is going to improve on all aspects in my life. 

I’m just really excited to be hands on but I am going to be in training for a while before I can dive right in so it will be a struggle for me because I like to just dive into things but I think it will be beneficial in the long run. Thanks for reading my update guys. 

X

Something Different

Hi Bloggers! Happy days! I thought I’d post something a little different this time and it’s about bloggers! I’ve covered most topics I could with Mental Health and unfortunately I really can’t think of anything else to cover. If there is anything you would like any information about, please don’t hesitate to share your ideas! 

Anyway – Recently what I have noticed is that a lot of people are starting blogging and I think it’s a fantastic idea! A few people I went to school with have started blogs and it really goes give readers an insight into the bloggers life. Maybe someone you thought was happy and had it all, has problems and struggles with things just like you do. It really does put things into perspective for you, when you thought you were alone but you realise you are not. There are thousands of people going through the same thing you are and you don’t even know it. Which is why it is a good idea for the blogger community to be really close! 

Some people who blog may just be in it for the likes and follows to get popular, but those are the people that don’t fully understand the concept of it. I didn’t become a blogger to become popular, all I wanted to do was to help people in need, make people see that they weren’t alone in their struggles, and I have been amazed at the people who have got in touch and told me that it’s really helped them and that’s the most rewarding thing about it. 

Social Media: I use Twitter quite regularly and recently I have seen so many posts about bloggers, they welcome anyone into the blogging world and they are so kind. I haven’t even reached out to any other bloggers yet but I do plan to, I have far too much anxiety about it though because I always feel like people will ignore me or they won’t reply and I think it is something I need to get over, I need to put myself outside of my comfort zone and reach out! It would really be amazing to have friends in the blogging world since my own don’t have their own blogs. 

I’ve learnt so many things since I started this blog, always reach out and reply to other bloggers who follow your own blog, they take the time to read your posts and they genuinely do care about your own thoughts. So when someone says “Can you please take a read of my blog”. Do it. What is there to waste? You learn so many different things from so many different people, it really does keep your faith in humanity.

No matter how many awful people are out there, the blogging community will always be kind and always have your back. People who share their own thoughts, life and knowledge are the people we should stay close to and respect. They are amazing people and it really does take a lot to keep your blog going. I have had a sort of writers block if you can call it that so I haven’t posted in a while. I really want to stop that from happening though as when I was posting a few times a week, it was really helping my mental health but when you feel like you have nothing to talk about, it’s awful, it makes you feel like you’re boring and not interesting. But I can guarantee there will always be someone out there willing to read your story! 

Thanks again for reading, it means a lot. I really should just copy and paste “it means a lot” because I say it everytime, but I also mean it everytime, please don’t forget that guys.

x

 

I Hate Bullies

I am really getting fed up of trying to be myself and getting called all sorts of names for it. I kept to myself in school, a few people said things but I was never constantly bullied, but I know people who were. The things that the ‘few’ people said to me did hurt so I can’t imagine how it feels to be bullied every single day. All I know is that, I fucking hate them, I would not give two fucks if they died. Bullying should be a crime, it can lead to mental health issues. What pisses me off even more is when someone commits suicide because they were bullied, people who never stood up for them or who were apart of the bullying say “Lovely person, so sad she/he is gone”. BULLSHIT. FUCK YOU. You stood there and you did nothing, Don’t dare feel like you have any right to show any respect. 

If you bully, it’s a fact you feel inadequate to that person, you’re jealous and you want to show off and make a name for yourself. Can I just remind you that bullying is not the new ‘cool’ thing? Most bullies are caught on video these days as I see videos all over Facebook every week. They know they’re being filmed, yet they still carry on, thinking they’re gonna be the next big thing. Well here’s a fun fact for you, you are not the next big thing, but you ARE the next big dickhead. Bullies should serve time, they really should. If I ever see anyone being bullied, even if I don’t know them I will 100% be there to defend them and I’d like to see the bullies take me on as well. Bullies are nothing but people who have insecurities about themselves so they take it out on other people, its a fucking fact. 

So bullies, this is for you, you may think you are big and hard, but there are way more decent people to defend those that suffer from your words and hands, I bet if you ever got attacked, your friends would run 100 miles away because they only care about themselves and are selfish…just like you. 

Bullying others does not make you popular or cool, it just makes you a dick and if you carry on, you will soon find that later on in life, you cannot progress because you rely on intimidating people and when you go into jobs, it is nothing like school, you need to just smarten the fuck up & stop thinking you’re queen b, because you never will be. One day you will eventually meet your match and then while you are being bullied yourself, you will wonder why you did it for so long. So…jokes on you. 

Sorry for the rant but I am so sick of seeing people being victimised for nothing. I will ALWAYS be here for anyone that needs defending.

 

It’s Been A While

Hey guys, it’s been a while, I haven’t posted in a few weeks because quite frankly, I’ve been feeling good, been busy and sort of lost some motivation with the blog as it’s hard to keep thinking of topics to talk about. I hope you’re all happy to know, I got a job!! Time for major celebrations! Ideally I wanted a career in Administration. But for a few weeks I have been visiting the company I’m going to work for to see how things are run etc. I seen the customer service side and the admin side of things. Even though the customer service side is working more hours and open 24 hours a day, I chose that as the admin side seemed a bit boring and you actually get to help and support people on the customer service side. 

I met these 2 lovely girls there when listening to calls they were taking, and it seemed so much better than just sitting a computer all day. So I am really excited to be apart of that side of the company and I can’t wait to start. Just in time to buy gifts for family for Christmas! 

So I’m really excited for that but past few days, me and mum have had problems with my brother again. I think the best thing that could happen is for him to just be sectioned and monitored 24/7, he really is not well, he is starting to literally become a psychopath and it’s scaring me, the way he’s acting. Starting to threaten his own family if they don’t do certain things for him. I just want to live a peaceful life with my mum and stepdad until I start my own life and family but it seems impossible right now. Not gonna let it get me down, I’ve been really good for 7 month now without medication, just got a new job and I am certainly not going to let a low life change that! I hope I will be posting more often now but I can’t promise anything as things in 3 weeks will be very busy. But I hope if there’s anything I can do for anyone, you know my personal email.

Until Next Time x

 

Shit Happens But We Get On With It

I’m wide awake again at 4am, I’ve been feeling like crap today because the job interview I was so excited for, it turns out, I didn’t get it. I emailed the woman back and asked for some feedback. I know it wasn’t the greatest interview I’ve ever had but it was the first one in a couple months so I was very nervous to the point where my mouth went so dry I had to have a bottle of water in front of me. On top of that, I haven’t been having good days recently either. Sometimes I feel like I am so done that I wonder if I didn’t make an effort with anything, would things just fall into place? Because it seems to happen to a lot to people who really don’t deserve it. Someone once told me “If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be”. So I always just repeat that to myself whenever I’m in a situation like this and it does actually help. I do believe I will find something better, but hopefully soon. 

So because I didn’t get the job, I decided to complete an application for a Business Administration Apprenticeship instead and once I was done, I read everything over twice, just to make sure that there were no mistakes and that I made sense. I am actually quite impressed with myself, I went into so much detail on how I meet the requirements of the job and the experience I had that make it possible. I know some people will go into a job they hate if they are unemployed for this long but, it is risky with me, if I am somewhere I don’t want to be or I hate, it will be a very bad impact on my mental health and I do not want to go back down that road and that is what people don’t seem to understand so I will not give up trying to kick start my career. I am done listening to other people, everything I do from now on, is for me, no one else!

I refuse to let people tell me how my life should be when they have no clue how life really is because in reality, it has been so easy for them but if only they were in my shoes for a day, they would really see how much of a struggle it is to stay sane sometimes and I am so done with letting people trying to tell me how it should be and trying to control me, I am a 21 year old woman, I am pretty sure I know how to get by with almost nothing. So don’t try to tell me how it is when really, you have no idea. I feel like I care too much for other people sometimes and I am changing that, I have already made progress with it too. Its actually amazing and quite amusing how many people stop treating you like crap when you stop giving a fuck and don’t put up with it anymore. 

So here’s to living a care free life and only caring about yourself. Focus on what you need to do to improve yourself in all aspects and for god sakes, stop caring about what other people think! Until next time! x