HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII HELOOOOO, I have missed posting for such a long time! But as I said in my last post, the next one would be when I was in my new house. So I am in my new house now, have been for a couple of weeks and I have never been happier. I know doctors always tell you to never just STOP taking your medication, but I have and I have not had one episode of depression since living here, which just goes to show how environmental factors can have such a massive impact on your mental health. Even though I don’t feel like I am suffering anymore, I will still post because whether you have issues or not, days can be a struggle. And I still want to be here for anyone who wants to reach out for support. Anyway, my post this week is pretty much just going to be about me moving house again and how its made me a lot happier. Enjoy.
After the break up with Liam, I struggled for a while, it would be a lie for me to say that I am completely over him because I am not. However, as people who read my blog know that I used to live in a little flat (apartment). I did actually like the flat itself but the area that it was in and the neighbours were definitely not good for me. I was always drinking and smoking weed and I would always get bugs and creepy crawlies in my cupboards, kitchen, bathroom, just everywhere. I just felt the whole place was infested with them, I was never truly happy, while I got used to living alone, I just never felt like I was home. I could deal with it just enough while I was with Liam as he always calmed me down but once he left my life, I just could not stand to be there anymore. So luckily, my mum offered for me to move back into our house and rent it off her, so that is what I have done. It literally took 2/3 days for me to move all my stuff out of the flat and into the house. I feel so at home here, I stopped taking medication and while I still have my down days, they are no where near as bad as they were, here, I have stability, privacy and peace. I have also lost some weight which wasn’t intentional so I am happy about that.
I have found that I am more confident in myself and I feel more happy now than I have in 6 years, In my previous post, I mentioned that I would buy a hot tub and a dog. Well, I can happily say that one of those goals have been reached, when I moved in, I bought a hot tub, took me a few weeks to learn how to maintain it but its all good now. I moved in a few weeks ago and I am having my official house warming party tomorrow. I have all the snacks, food and alcohol stocked up, I have a really good gazebo up with curtains over the hot tub so it doesn’t get wet or things blow into it (it’s Britain, even in summer, the weather is shit), I have the fire pit all ready and multiple chairs for everyone to sit on in the garden. I am so excited.
But what I am trying to say is that I don’t really care if people aren’t interested but this just shows how environmental factors can be detrimental to your mental health as I’ve said before. When I moved out of my parents and into that flat, it was the worst decision I ever made, but then again, I feel like if that didn’t happen, then maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now. But when I moved out, I thought, I felt so good that I could finally be independent and I had good people in my life and a fantastic job that I was finally happy in. Unfortunately, it’s sad to say, but I lost that job as people who read my blog know and I also lost someone I loved very very much. In this flat, I had to deal with shouting, profanity, abuse, noisy neighbours and random people knocking at my door late at night for 5 months. It was so bad for my mental health, living there really fucked me up, because I spiralled so low and out of control, I experienced the WORST depression I had ever felt in my entire life. I had to set alarms and write on boards to remind me to brush my teeth, bathe, eat and take my medication, obviously being severely depressed I ignored them. I know it is upsetting to read but I will not lie, I did try to kill myself. Fortunately, my common sense kicked in and I got help but I now have a big, horrible, ugly, fat and pink scar from it, stitches could not even help. I thought “Why should I get out of bed? I have no one, everyone leaves me and there is no reason to be alive”. I am literally smiling while typing this because I know its bullshit.
Anyway, things started to look up, I finally saw a way out of that horrible place and now, I live in my childhood home thanks to my amazing family and I don’t even need to take my medication anymore. Not once have I had an episode of my depression since leaving that place, I still have the medication just in case though, so I am prepared. But it just goes to show, where you are and who you surround yourself with can effect your mental health massively. Now, I have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, to come downstairs and open my curtains, to make a cup of tea and have breakfast, something I have never ever done before. There are so many tiny goals I have set myself since being in a bad place and I am so proud of myself for achieving even one of them. For example, buying the hot tub I said I was going to buy, (I don’t have the dog yet but I will), also waking up this morning and jet washing my driveway as it was very dirty, took a long time but it was something that I WANTED to do, to make my house look nice and presentable. My mum and my brother came over today to help me with the garden, so I jet washed the drive way, my brother trimmed the hedges and my mum put the leaves in some bags for my garden waste bin and we all worked together. We were supposed to cut the grass but again, its fucking Britain, it rains in summer so that plan was totalled.
Even though it was tiring work today, not ONCE did I even think that I was too tired or down that I needed to lie down or go to sleep. I always used to just be so irritable with everybody and hated spending time with anyone never mind my own family but every time I see them now, I love it, I just love spending time with them no matter what we do, that is how I know that I am not depressed anymore. It is so soppy to say but I am really proud of myself, while I still do have problems just like every single person on this planet, nothing seems to get to me anymore like it used to.
I am finally glad to be the Sam that I used to be, when I was suffering from my depression, my only wish was to be happy, smile and be hyper like I always was and now, that is just how I am, some changes may come in your life that you don’t agree with or don’t want but maybe…they are for the better. The way I see it is, most problems can be resolved, so resolve it, if it cant, don’t fucking worry about it! What I have found is that, no matter what you go through, there is ALWAYS a way out and I feel so silly and stupid that I was suicidal a few months ago.
People may laugh at you and talk about you but at the end of the day, you are your own person and only you know who you are. Who cares what people think? If you’re trying to be the best you can be and live your own life and that pisses people off, then think to yourself, who is it that really has the problem?…….It’s certainly not you, if you’re a good person and what you do affects people so much in a negative way, then you do NOT need that negativity in your life, it’s okay to leave a toxic relationship/friendship if it is making you unhappy, DO NOT feel guilty for that. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, surround yourself with people who you love and love you back and will support you no matter what and everything will be A-OK!
Thank you so much for reading guys! ❤
xx
my journey in mental health 