My Struggle With Losing Weight

I was always skinny until I reached the age of 17, that’s when I started to put weight on. It makes me sad because at my prom, I thought I was fat even though I was wearing a size 6 dress and now I look back at the photos and I think “I was so stupid”. Every time I was feeling down or upset, I would just eat to solve my problems. What I was eating wasn’t necessarily bad but it was the fact that I couldn’t sleep at night, which was making me have sandwiches late at night or making something heavy which would just lie on my stomach and I would feel like crap the next day.

Last year, I wasn’t that bothered about my weight, I’d still wear clothes that showed my figure off and I just thought that I looked curvy which I kinda liked. But fast forward a couple months, me and Liam (my boyfriend) were ordering Dominos pizza most weeks and we would always get the big dips with it! Until recently we found out that the big dips have almost 700 calories in them. We were having one each! The pizza must have had enough calories never mind the dips! So we both said we didn’t really want to have another dominos pizza because having them maybe once every other week did make us gain so much weight, Liam has currently lost half a stone and I didn’t realise until the weekend when his clothes looked baggy, I was and still am very jealous! But recently, I’ve noticed a few people have called me fat, people I don’t even know. When I put pictures up or make a video, random people comment and call me fat and its sad and I think that’s what made me want to change. 

Recently, I’ve been so insecure about my weight, if I wear a top that shows my arms, I will either keep a jacket on or wear a jumper instead, I think if I was taller, I wouldn’t look so bad but because I’m small, I look bigger than I actually am. Anyway a couple months ago, I decided to start eating better, I was actually having breakfast and then I would have fruit for a snack in between meals and I was having meat with veg for almost every meal. But I still wasn’t losing as much as I’d hoped. So I got really unmotivated by it so I just went back to normal. I think my weakness is carbs, pasta has to be my favourite meal! Every time I have it, I do try to put in some chicken or veg or even have a pasta salad instead of just pasta with fattening sauce.

So a couple weeks ago, I just made little changes, I don’t eat bread much anymore so I don’t have sandwiches. Sandwiches don’t really appeal to me anymore though, now, I just normally have one meal a day with lots of water. So while I was eating normal dinners, every time I needed a drink or even when I didn’t, I would just have water. Probably consuming about 7-8 cups of water a day. I think I drank a lot of water last week too, I normally like to drink Pepsi, I love fizzy pop (soda) and its definitely my weakness but for the last couple weeks, I never bought any so when I needed a drink, I was just drinking water, one after the other and I noticed that I wasn’t eating as much and wasn’t as hungry. I know that sometimes thirst can be confused with hunger. So I stepped on the scale three weeks ago, and I was 11 stone 13. Last week I was 11 stone 10.

Out of curiosity, about 20 minutes ago, I stepped on the scale to see if I had gained any weight from the weekend as me and Liam went to a tapas place and had a few drinks, but to my surprise, I’ve lost another 4lbs. I’m now 11 stone 6. All from making small changes and not really realising I was doing it. I have my dinner cooking now and I am having chicken breast filled with a garlic and herb Philadelphia sauce, with broccoli and sweetcorn! It isn’t that hard for me to eat veg cause I do love it! I think now I can actually see progress, I will continue to do what I’m doing and hopefully be able to fit back into my size 10 clothes! I can’t really see a difference on my body but I see myself everyday so I would have to lose a significant amount to see changes but I’m really happy with the progress! I know that probably having one meal a day isn’t the best way to lose weight but it just means I’ve cut down my calories a lot and the more water I drink, I just don’t feel hungry! 

I know this wasn’t an instructive post but I just felt really happy when I seen the scale so I wanted to share it! Thanks for reading. 

There Will Always Be Trolls

Tonight I decided that I would like to try something new. I had heard of Youtubers doing this thing called Story Time. So I decided to make a video about my paranormal experiences. It was literally only up for an hour and I had already gotten a comment. So I thought “Wow a comment already”. Little did I know, it was this guy who decided to call me a liar, said I should kill myself, I was a fat whore and a fat slob and most impressively…..I was…autistic. Yes, you read that correctly, autistic. As soon as I read it, I couldn’t help but laugh my arse off. I’ve heard all the other words before but autistic has to be a new one. Hey, there is a first time for everything.

I think what made me laugh the most is the fact I must have offended him so much that he got so angry. But most importantly, the fact he used the word autistic as an insult. He definitely must be an uneducated moron to not realise that autistic is not an insult. I definitely know that people with Autism find it hard to communicate with other like the rest of us do. So to comment on a video of someone speaking clearly, confidently and without hesitation and call them autistic is a bit backward don’t you think?

I did not respond to his comment because to be honest, he was not worth my time. I reported him instead, but did make a video immediately after explaining how to respond to trolls and I am so ready to receive the abusive comments. At the end of the day I don’t take shit from anyone and if they want to watch my video and comment on it then jokes on them, as they’re giving me more views and popularity.

Entertaining people, making people smile and reaching out to people online, is what makes me happy and just because some troll insults me, it doesn’t mean I am going to give up. I feel sorry for them that their life must be so shit that they’re sat in their mothers basement with the lights off in their boxer shorts, attempting to insult people because their life is so crap. I am actually thankful for that comment cause I have not laughed like that in a long time. I think it would be very amusing for you to see this. 

So if you’re interested, I will leave the link to my YouTube channel below so you can watch the aftermath of this, again thanks for reading. XO

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzW9pnSOA1rG3eYd6a9eCfg

How My Depression Started

So I realise I should have probably made this one of my first posts on here but I’ve never really thought about this subject until now. I have struggled a lot with this so how it became, was never really on my mind. When I think about it, things really do start to add up in my mind even from years ago. I can’t be entirely sure of when it started or when it developed. I remember being as young 13 when I not long just started high school. I was always having one day absent from school each week. I always said to my mum that I wasn’t feeling well. She just took it as me being lazy, maybe I was, who knows? But I just remember feeling like I couldn’t and didn’t want to move from my bed and would remain there for the rest of the day. I never really thought anything of it because I wasn’t affected by Depression then. 

I did relatively well in school, got good grades and I had a lot of friends. I never felt lonely and always felt loved. Boyfriends came and went, didn’t really matter to me, I was more interested in spending my time with friends, if something came along then it did, if it didn’t, then it didn’t, whatever. The school itself, was bollocks. It was shit, we had an awesome head teacher who was replaced by an awful person. There was always something off about him and later on in the years, we all found that out to be very true and disturbing. I hated the way the school was, it’s appearance and most of the teachers were just awful. But still, thanks to my friends, I loved it, they made it all better, they were the only thing keeping me in school to be honest. Sometimes I thought I would just run off and never go back. 

In this paragraph, I want to talk about my dad and it will become relevant soon enough. He had been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember but to me, he was never a bad dad, we had our issues but he was the only man in my life that I loved. Him and my mum were together for almost 20 years, I think. The way he changed and who he became, was not good for my mum so she finally got smart and dumped his ass. He got his own place and I went to see him every Thursday and Friday. He would always be drinking, but he would always make sure I was entertained, fed and happy while I was there. He eventually got the spare room done out for me to stay over. I stayed over a couple of times but it didn’t feel right to me, I think in the back of my mind, I knew that he wasn’t well and I didn’t really want to wake up the next day and find him not waking up, I was very uneasy. It didn’t help that he told me his flat was haunted too. When I said I wanted to go home, he did become angry because he sorted out the spare room for me and I didn’t wanna stay there, I can understand his frustration but I was too young to understand and I cried so my brother came and got me and took me back home. Obviously over the years I started to grow older, I would visit him of my own accord, he was really kind, he would always give me pocket money and buy me and my friends pizza when we were there. One day he decided to move, which meant I had to get on a bus to go see him now which was fine but because of growing older and having things to do, I didn’t see him often. Everytime I did see him, he was vomiting in a bucket while trying to talk to me, he could see what he was doing to himself and he still continued. He did try a couple times to go to rehab and he was doing well, he went from using a walking stick to being able to walk better completely and being more energetic but he relapsed.

One day Ill never forget, my 14 year old self sitting there talking to him and he says he needs to tell me something. He tells me that he doesn’t think he’s going to make it to my 15th birthday. I shrugged it off because, who wants to hear that? He was right and wrong. He did make it to my 15th birthday, he called up my mum to wish me happy birthday, but I was out ice skating with my friends. He said he would call back when I was home. He never did. He NEVER forgot my birthday, ever. My stepdad was the one who told me he actually did die that day because my mum couldn’t, I didn’t find this out until a few years later though. It’s awful but it’s heart warming in a way because he must have known his time was up but he held on, to wish me happy birthday, and those were the last words he probably ever spoke. We were kind of expecting it soon enough as he got sicker by the day, but not that soon. I was absent from school for 2 weeks, right when I had to complete coursework to get my grades. The major coursework I had them few weeks was Science, and we had to complete 2 booklets. I hadn’t even done half of the first one and when I went back to school I must have only done a couple pages. My science teacher passed me anyway because of the circumstances.

My dads death didn’t shock me as much as I thought it would, I was still screaming and crying when I find out though. He left his guitar and piano to me, my sister sold the guitar which I was very pissed off at. Anyway, I think maybe that was a trigger? Because around 16/17 was when I started feeling the way I did and started hurting myself. If I talk about my dad, I don’t get upset, I’m absolutely comfortable talking about it in front of anyone, I don’t think its something anyone can really get over but they still accept it, death is an inevitability and it will reach us all some time. I think my Depression definitely worsened when we moved out of our house, couldn’t really tell you why but every single major incident I’ve had due to Depression has been in this flat, where I’m sat typing this right now. I think when I move out and get a place of my own, I will feel a lot better knowing I’m not in a place reminding me of where I have made so many mistakes.

Eating Disorders

I don’t particularly link myself with this mental health issue, I do overeat sometimes when I’m upset but that’s just because I’m greedy shit. Anyway, I do know a few people who do struggle with this on a daily basis but I won’t name them out of respect. It is sad to see that people starve themselves or throw up when they’ve eaten because they look in the mirror and all they see is fat, which could be linked to Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Bulimia. 

I do know one girl who, to me, has a nice figure, skinny, but toned, really good figure, but I recently found out that she does suffer with Bulimia or/and an Eating Disorder. I know her personally and is someone I see quite frequently and she’s a really nice girl, talkative, fun and a genuine person. But I see her statuses on Facebook and she’s constantly posting about her weight and I just wish she could see what I see through my eyes. Myself, I am overweight for my height, I’m not really fat or obese or anything but I am short, I’m like 5 foot. Don’t really want to mention my weight but because I am short, I look heavier than I actually am. If I was average height, I would be considered an average weight. 

I have tried so many diets, it’s ridiculous. I have tried not eating and just drinking water, I have tried vomiting after a big meal but I literally have a phobia of vomit so that did not turn out well. Obviously, the only way to lose weight is to eat less and move more. But I really cannot be bothered to gym it 4-5 days a week. I have exercise dvd’s I could use and I did do it for a good few weeks but I never really seen any improvement so I stopped. I expect too much too soon, and that is my weakness, I have no motivation! I think it would help a lot if I had someone to gym it with, then I would feel more confident about it. 

I do also have a friend who was so insecure about her weight, she stopped eating for a while and was bringing up bile and vomiting all the time. I think she is in such a better place now though and whenever she feels she needs to lose weight, she goes to the gym instead of other alternatives which is an amazing improvement. But I think whenever we all look in the mirror, we all see faults with ourselves and there is always going to be something that we don’t like about ourselves. It really our job to love ourselves and look after the bodies that we were given. 

What annoys me though is when someone who is a size 12/14, is considered fat or plus sized. Really? That is the average size of a woman in the UK I’m sure. Not every person can have thigh gaps or small hips, every person is born with a different body structure which is why some women have wide hips and a big ass whereas some women have small hips. I’m one of those women who cannot have a thigh gap and I’ve never really been bothered by it, if I lost a bit of weight, I’d be curvyish as I’ve always had wide hips, big boobs and thighs that touch. But to some people, that is what you call fat. I think people just need to get it into their head that not everyone was born with the same body structure so no matter much weight I lose, I will never look like Kate Moss, not that it’s a goal of mine but you get the point. 

For anyone who does get bullied because of their weight or you have an eating disorder, just remember, you can gain or lose the weight, them people can’t change their crap personality. I know I don’t have much advice on the subject but just wanted to put my opinion forward of personal experience! If you love yourself the way you are, you’ll find people notice your confidence and that is much more important than worrying about how you look in the mirror!