I haven’t posted for a while as I’ve been busy sorting crap out, (yes, shit happening to me…again).
I’ve recently just got my sleeping pattern back into order, it’s still not as I would like it as I’m waking up at 4/5 o’clock in the morning and staying awake all day. I can be so tired and go to sleep really early and I still wake up multiple times through the night it’s so frustrating. So a few days ago, I was up bright and early ready for a nice hot summer day relaxing and I received a letter through the post stating that I have been sanctioned. I’m on employment benefits while I’m looking for work and sanctioned basically means they stop paying you for a certain length of time. They stated I wouldn’t be paid for 89 days which is almost 3 months and its AWFUL because I now can’t pay bills.
When I applied for employment benefit, they asked why I left my previous job, and I told them it was due to my mental health issue (depression). I stated in the form that I filled out that I have proof if need be, and this was approx. 4 months ago. Only now did I receive the letter when I should have received it before I even got my first payment. So I ripped the letter up in anger then my mum taped it back together.
So I rang the service centre to get a reconsideration notice so they won’t stop payments and I was passed over to different numbers and was on the phone for over an hour which was so frustrating. Finally got it sorted but it takes 28 days for them to look at the decision again so now I have to go over a month without any money so I’m going to be in even more debt.
Things can’t get any worse I think…how wrong was I. So it’s 9pm last night, I go to sleep and I am awoken at 11pm by my drunk brother coming in and talking really loudly to pick up something when he had all day to do so. He had done this for weeks and it was really starting to annoy me. So obviously anyone who is awoken by loud noises gets angry, EVERYONE. So in my anger, I shouted “Fucking shut up man”. He went home and I went back to sleep. This morning I awake at 5am to 3 messages from him calling me fat, a slut, saying I need a treadmill and calling me fat about a million times, like I get the point, are you done?…
Then he proceeds to tell me that I need to watch my back because the next time he sees me, he’s going to smack me all over, basically assault me. Then he threatens to beat up my boyfriend and blow up his car, says I am spoilt and I’m gonna get what is coming to me. All of this because I told him to shut up??? He definitely is all talk, he couldn’t harm a fly he just thinks he’s the dogs bollocks. I guess that’s what happens when you have a shit life and no friends and have to rely on alcohol and drugs to have a good time. No doubt he was clearly on some sort of wacked up drug. How pathetic. Then he messages my mum telling her that I need to watch my back and that I’m fat (again) and that I deserve to cry and that if my mum takes my side, he will disown all of us (which really, is no skin off our backs, it’s something we could only dream of) so really, despite all of his threats and name calling, he’s actually doing us a favour. But still, you don’t expect to receive threatening messages from your own brother.
Me and my mum have now both blocked him on all social media sites so he can’t get in contact with us, everything that our family does for him and he is so ungrateful, I hate him so much.
It’s friday evening and I am looking forward to seeing my friends. But surprise they can’t make it. So in one week, I am now poor, my confidence has deteriorated and I have major low self-esteem due to being called fat god knows how many times. Now my friends bail on me. Wow, are things ever going to get better? If there is a god, he must fucking hate me.
my journey in mental health 